The Long Road Home

The absence of any posts this past year can be attributed to many factors. This post is a look back at the long and challenging road of 2012. By capturing some of the events through this post, it is an exercise in remembering the lessons and blessings of the journey but it is also the intentional turning of the page, closing of that chapter and looking forward to 2013.

Our world was rocked when Mom was diagnosed with liver cancer at the beginning of the year and her oncologist shared the grim news that her cancer was a Stage 4. It was terminal and based on similar cases, she most likely had six to twelve months to live. She endured seven major surgeries, a couple rounds of chemotherapy, weeks in the hospital, weeks without food or water (TPN feeding only), and a near-death experience due to low hemoglobin in July. And then, after a final surgery to repair a persisting intestinal leak, she began to come back and gain some strength and health. She decided to forgo any additional chemotherapy and took a more homeopathic approach with vitamins, a RIFE machine, and chaga tea. She continues this regimen and we have enjoyed the past five months without any surgeries, hospital stays or complications. She experiences some discomfort on a daily basis but is doing remarkably well considering what she has been through and her diagnosis. She counts each day as a gift (as do we) and continues to be a source of inspiration and encouragement to so many. My journaling took on a different route this year as I kept a CaringBridge site with frequent posts to let the hundreds of people who were following her story be updated on where she was at in the journey. Over 10,000 visits to her site testify to the outpouring of love and support we received througout the year. CaringBridge (kathykeske)

My life was blessed with a student teacher, Jessica Hegseth, who was truly an angel appointed to step in and love my students and be there for them when I needed to be back home in Park Rapids with Mom. I spent as many days out of school as I did in school during the second semester. Summer was a relief to finally be able to be back in Park Rapids full time. Dawn spent weeks back home as well and traveled thousands of miles back and forth to be an anchor for Dad, Mom and Me. Mary was able to make a couple of trips home from Maryland also and Paul stopped over as often as he could. I was so happy by the way our family united behind Mom and Dad to be in this together. We shared countless tears, sweet laughter and memories and were able to verbalize and express our love for each other in ways some families are never allowed the opportunity to do when death comes suddenly.

A community benefit of love was the capstone of the summer. Organzied beautifully by Mom's dear friend, Rilla May, it was an outpouring of support and compassion for Mom and Dad and our family. Mom continued to improve throughout the Fall and in October, she and I were able to take a quick trip out to Maryland to see Mary, Ryan and Graycie. We had a remarkable time and it was a blessed adventure from start to finish. We had perfect connections, the best hosts ever, fun memories with Graycie and we made it out on the last flight to leave Baltimore before Hurricane Sandy hit. Mom and Dad moved over to Fargo in November to housesit a charming home in South Fargo for two retired teachers who spend the winter in Arizona. It was another one of those provisions that reassured us that God was orchestrating beauty amidst the pain.

We celebrated Thanksgiving as a family and Mom's 70th birthday in November, Christmas at Dawn and Ron's in December and the New Year. Each milestone brought a deep sense of gratitude for the precious gift of Mom, her presence with us, her sweet spirit and her gracious attitude in all of this. She is everything I aspire to be ~ trusting, humble, patient, selfless, unpretentious, kind and giving. But I'm so far from being there.

Throughout it all, I have wrestled with anger, selfishness, impatience, bitterness and doubt. I have been chased by these demons often this year even amidst the goodness and mercy and love I have witnessed  by so many who have been so faithful to pray, call, write posts, send cards, deliver meals and come to visit Mom. I envisioned that I would have responded differently - with a stronger faith, a wiser discernment,  more passionate prayers, a sense of peace and joy amidst the struggle - and although there are moments along the way when those have prevailed, many of my emotions have been just the opposite. I am choosing to trust in truth rather than my emotions this year.

I completed eleven 5K races this year after following an intense and highly effective training regimen of a colleauge and friend. My ultimate goal was to run a 5K in under 21 minutes. My best time this year was quite a ways off from that goal, 22:48. I placed in the top three in 7 of my eleven races for my age group. In the largest 5K of the year, the Fargo Marathon 5K, I took 2nd place out of 626 in my age group. Training and racing were my anti-depresssants this year.  I am keeping my goal for this year and continuing my training with a few additional 'tweaks' added in to try to drop that time.

Carl Ben Eielson became the first Middle School in North Dakota to have a Fellowship of Christian Athletes group this past year thanks to my colleague and friend, Josh Rudie, who agreed to co-lead a group with me. It has been such an inspiration and challenge to my spiritual walk to see 20-30 middle school students meet at 7:20 am every other week in my room to pray, worship and learn from each other about how to be light and love to their peers and teachers. It has been powerful and life-changing.

I also started a new venture in 2012 of creating a not-for-profit organization called SESA (Social Entrepreneur, Student Adventure) that makes me both excited and a bit nauseous at the undertaking. After hours of dreaming, collaborating, designing, and writing a grant, a fellow class member of a social entrepreneurship group, Mark Rheault, and I just received $25,000 from the Dakota Medical Foundation to begin our SESA program. At the core of the program is the deep desire to teach our youth how to have a sense of others and to use their gifts to make this world a better place for those who walk the way with us. It resonates perfectly with what I believe as a teacher - that we need to teach our kids what compassion looks like, how to have an attitude of gratitude, and how to lead a life of purpose. I'm both thrilled and uncertain at the potential of what SESA can accomplish.

Meghan allowed me to be one of her small group leaders for her youth group this year and it was a sweet opportunity to grow and share on a spiritual level as we read through The Story. She participated in Student Council and was one of my bus leaders for the 7th annual CBE Pay It Forward tour. It was really special to have her be a part of something I care so much about. Clayton continued in swimming and tennis as well as doing some hunting and fishing with Jeff.

Summer at the cabin is by far my favorite time of the year. Long days together, lots of things to do, and the opportunity to recharge and repair our souls make it a sacred place to be. In about late January, both Meghan and I start to have dreams about being there and that first weekend in the Spring that we go down to open up the cabin is such a wonderful, nostalgic time as we anticipate the sweet approach of summer. We begin to crave the beauty of the lake ~ the scenery, the sunsets, pine treees, loons, thunderstorms and warm sunshine but also the sweetness of family time, friends, campfires, and lazy summer days. This past summer, we especially enjoyed the chance to be close to Mom and spent treasured time together both at the cabin and at the strawberry farm.

It was a year filled with the pain and joy, hope and heartache, memories made and moments remembered, whispered prayers and cries of pleading - for healing, peace, strength, and wisdom. It was a long road but one that we walked together and that made all the difference.

Knowing Means Choosing

"Ignorance is bliss" vs. "Knowledge is power"

Up until a week ago, with regard to what the cancer was doing in Mom's body, we wrestled with the great tension that exists between these separate trains of thought. Is it better to not know for sure and just get up and enjoy each day as though the cancer is of no concern, OR do we get a test that would give us the information we may or may not want to know - and how does that information change how we live each day? It was a back and forth debate for quite a few days and it seemed that our lack of decisiveness defaulted to the 'ignorance is bliss' route.

Then, last Thursday, Mom became jaundiced and so she scheduled an appointment to meet with Dr. Wroblewski on a trip back to Park Rapids on Tuesday of this week. Dad has been having eye troubles so has been doctoring back in Park Rapids for that as well. It was a dual purpose trip that served to shake us out of the 'ignorance is bliss' mode. Mom's evident jaundice, prompted Dr. Wroblewski to have a blood test done which revealed elevated levels of bilirubin which could indicate a blockage in Mom's system or other liver problems. Dr. W quickly arranged for Mom to have a CT scan back in Fargo on Wendesday a.m.

Yesterday afternoon we received the results of the CT scan which on a positive note, revealed that there was no blockage - this was a blessing because that would most likely cause incredible pain and discomfort and "be a bad way to go" according to Dr. W. However, the CT scan also revealed that the cancer in the liver has spread (causing the jaundice) and has also moved to both of Mom's lungs. It most likely traveled via her bloodstream which indicates the aggressive and unpredictable nature of the cancer. This was especially hard news to hear since we have enjoyed five months of good days and a sense of a sincere hope for recovery.

So, knowledge IS powerful... it has the potential power to paralyze, change our actions, alter our perspective, and evoke fear of the unknown. It bears the burden of making a choice ~ because knowledge also has the power to bring us back to our knees, to a place of gratitude for the gift of the past five months, to the beauty of a life lived each day, and to the truth of God's unfailing goodness along the way.

We continue to trust in that knowledge and the power that it gives us to walk the next steps of this journey - day by day!

Washington DC

In less than 48 hours, a group of 18 students, 2 moms, 1 other chaperone (Sean Ness) and myself will be headed to one of my favorite cities - Washington DC. We have a packed itinerary for the four short days we are there and I already know that it will go by much too quickly. Some remarkable former students, Amanda, Karen, Kristina, and Erika will be joining our trip as mentors and leaders as well. I feel completely blessed to be able to experience this tour with many of my former students and especially with Sean Ness, a former student leadership member who is now a Sophomore at the University of St. Thomas. Sean was one of the first students that traveled to Bismarck for the State Middle Level Leadership Conference and also one of the students who went to Pensacola, FL back when he was in 7th grade.

TOY Story- A Lesson About Connectivity

When asked what the best part of the past year has been as a State Teacher of the Year, my answer comes easily and earnestly ~ meeting so many remarkable teachers. The camaraderie, collegiality, compassion, and expertise made a life-long impact on me. The words I share with my students, "I am so much better for knowing you," are so true of these teachers as well.

I will always remember the excitement blended with apprehension as we all met for the first time in Dallas last January. I wrestled with my own insecurity about not feeling that I had the level of expertise, life experiences, or credentials to be part of such a select group.

From the moment I stepped off the plane in Dallas and into the van with seven other TOYs - I knew my worries were unfounded. I was instantly among friends ~ and the rest of the year's experiences confirmed that early realization completely.

This five-minute video is a tribute to the many beautiful people I met. It encapsulates a year of learning, growing, and sharing together. It is my TOY Story.

Sticks & Stones